Damage to the front left wheel well on Andrew Clark's Mini after he hit a pillar while reversing out of a parking spot.Andrew Clark/The Globe and Mail
Should I blame this on my wife? That was the question rolling in my mind as I drove to the auto collision shop recently. No one would know and no one would be hurt, so long as my wife never found out. Still, doubts lingered.
There had been a single-car collision. No one was hurt, but the front left wheel well was damaged. I had been driving and was solely responsible.
You know, I’ve been watching a lot of Law & Order reruns and listening to a lot of true crime podcasts. It’s probably better to write this as a procedurally inaccurate courtroom drama.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Crown Attorney: “Mr. Clark, tell us in your own words what occurred on Jan. 22.”
Me: “On the afternoon of Wednesday, Jan. 22, I was exiting a parking space on the second floor of the Humber Polytechnic Parking Garage. Which, if I may say, is an extremely poorly designed parking garage. Really very bad …”
Crown Attorney: “Objection! Relevance?”
Judge: “Sustained. The witness will proceed …”
Me: “As I was reversing out, taking great care to ensure that I was not struck by the exiting students speeding through the garage, a steel pillar LEAPT OUT and struck the left wheel well of my Mini Cooper Countryman. No one was injured. If you eliminate the pillar from any culpability in the situation, I was solely at fault. My vehicle suffered damage that required body work. I reported the collision to my insurance company and brought my vehicle in for an estimate.”
The Crown Attorney presents a photo.
Crown Attorney: “Your honour, I am submitting this as ‘Exhibit A.’ Mr. Clark, is this a photo of the damage?”
Me: “Yes.”
Crown Attorney: “And what did you think to yourself as you drove to the auto body collision shop?”
Me: “I thought how stupid I had been and how pointless the accident was. How it would cost money. I thought how embarrassing it was and how I was entirely at fault. I thought about how people would think I was a bad driver.”
Crown Attorney: “You write a column about driving, don’t you?”
Me: “Yes.”
Crown Attorney: “Pretty embarrassing for a columnist, especially because I imagine your readers think you are a good driver and know about driving?”
My defence attorney (played by Paul Gross): “Objection your honour. If the comment sections of his columns are any indication, most of Mr. Clark’s readers think he’s an idiot.”
Judge: “Sustained.”
Crown Attorney: “You recall anything else about that drive?”
Me: (sweating) “I don’t remember …”
Crown Attorney: “Take a moment. Search your mind. Recall anything else at all?”
Me: “I thought, ‘What would it be like if I told the guys at the auto body shop that my wife was responsible? That it was she who had been in the accident. That I was not involved at all. That I wasn’t even in the car, and I had just brought it in as a favour to her. They wouldn’t think that I was an idiot who stupidly let a parking pillar leap up and hit his car.’”
Crown Attorney: “And that idea appealed to you, didn’t it Mr. Clark?”
Me: “Yes, very much.”
Crown Attorney: “You thought, everybody already thinks women are bad drivers. So, what does one more incident matter?”
Me: “No. I just thought she would never know, and I would save the embarrassment because the person at the shop wouldn’t think I was the bad driver.”
Crown Attorney: “No further questions.”
Defence Attorney: “But you did not tell the guys at the auto body collision shop that your wife was responsible for the accident that brought you there, did you Mr. Clark?”
Me: “No. I said I had done it.”
Defence Attorney: “Why? Why not lie and blame her?”
Me: “I thought it would be a really crummy thing to do. Low.”
Defence Attorney: “One more question, Mr. Clark. When you finally dropped your car off at the auto body shop to get the work done, did you happen to ask the service person if they thought that men often blamed their wives for such accidents?”
Me: “Yes.”
Crown Attorney: “And what did they say? I believe you wrote the answer down, would you read it to the court?”
Me: (reading from phone) “The auto body shop service person laughed and said, ‘OH MY GOD. You would not believe it. The amount of guys who throw their wives and girlfriends under the bus is INSANE. INSANE. INSANE!’ (to camera) I’m not making this up. He said those exact words.”
Defence Attorney: “Did you ask him anything else?”
Me: “I asked him if he thought the wives and girlfriends were actually responsible.”
Defence Attorney: “And how did he respond?”
Me: “He just continued laughing really hard for a while and then said, “I don’t know. I have to take the guys’ word for it.”
Defence Attorney: “So, really, if you had blamed her, you wouldn’t have been doing anything especially unique. You’d just be another husband or boyfriend bringing in an automobile for repair unjustly blaming his wife or girlfriend. You and your wife took vows when you were married, right?”
Me: “Yes.”
Defence Attorney: “Till death do you part? For better, for worse?”
Me: “Yes.”
Defence Attorney: “So, even if you did lie and blame her, your wife would just be fulfilling her legally binding wedding vows, wouldn’t she? It would be part of the ‘for worse’ section.”
Me: “Yes, I suppose so.”
Defence Attorney: “But you didn’t blame her, did you?”
Me: “No, I didn’t.”
Defence Attorney: “Because you knew it would be morally wrong to blame the woman who bore your children for an accident you committed?”
Me: “Yes and because I thought if I did, she would somehow find out.”
Defence Attorney: “Your honour. I move for an immediate dismissal on the grounds that my client didn’t do it, and if he had he would have just been doing what everybody else does.”
Judge: “So granted. Case dismissed.”