Who are the most polite drivers? We conduct a ‘wave test’ to find out

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You can only listen to so many podcasts while driving. I’m fine with quiet but even the siren’s song of silence can grow tiresome. Over the last couple of years, to break the monotony, I’ve been conducting an experiment.

I call it the “Wave Test.”

It’s simple to perform. All that’s required is a car, bad traffic congestion and the willingness to be obliging. It is centred on “the Wave,” a gesture I often refer to as the easy acknowledgment of gratitude from one driver to another. Some call it the “thank you wave.” The “Wave Test” has seven easy steps:

1. Be stuck in traffic.
2. Identify a vehicle that either must merge (because of lane reductions) or simply wants to merge into the lane you occupy.
3. Make note of the vehicle make – for example, Tesla Model X.
4. Predict whether, if you allow them to merge in front of you, the driver will wave or similarly acknowledge your kindness. Yes or No.
5. Allow them to merge.
6. Wait for the “Wave”
7. Record the results in your brain.

The results of my “Wave Test” fieldwork have been fascinating. Some would say they lack scientific rigour, and I lack scientific qualifications so therefore my findings have no merit. I would remind these people that a) they are wrong because I say they are, and b) my scientific career would have been stellar, but I was wrongly failed in the 1980s by faculty at Ottawa’s Nepean High School – Grade 12 Biology with a 42 and Chemistry with a 47 – because these so-called “teachers” were jealous of my natural gifts.

There will also be those who say that we do not “allow” other drivers to merge in front of us as doing so is our legal obligation. To these people I say, “Yeah right.” It might be the law or whatever, but I don’t see much of it here on what Duran Duran lead singer Simon Le Bon calls “Planet Earth.”

Here are some insights into who are the politest drivers on the road:

Convertible drivers: If you allow someone driving a rag-top to merge in front of you, they are going to give you “the wave” 99 per cent of the time. That’s because they are exposed and on full view. Plus, they are in a convertible on a sunny day, what do they have to be upset about? Convertible drivers are already in a state of ecstatic gratitude and are by far my most favourite drivers. Driving on the highway with the top down is the ultimate expression of motoring joy. I do not own a convertible, but I consider myself a convertible driver at heart (I frequently dream of driving around Los Angeles in an Eldorado convertible). If you let a convertible driver merge in front of you and they don’t give you “the wave” they are not really a convertible driver. They are a demon from hell masquerading as a convertible driver, here to harvest the souls of the damned.

Smokers: That’s right, smokers are the most consistently polite drivers on the road. In my experience, smokers almost always give the “thank you wave” when I allow them to merge. Smokers often have the window rolled down, and that makes a wave a little easier. It does not matter what sort of automobile they are driving; if they are holding a cigarette they are giving the wave. Smokers really go for it. They jam their hands out, cigarette between their fingers, and give you a nice big wave.

Tesla drivers: They frequently wave thank you, but their gestures of gratitude are strangely unsatisfying to receive. It’s as if Tesla drivers are waving “thank you” because that’s what they think they are meant to do, like a robot trying to do what it thinks is human; like Pinocchio trying to be a real boy.

Porsche drivers: Of all the luxury brands, Porsche drivers are the most likely to give you the thank you wave. Other luxury brand drivers also wave but Porsche drivers are almost universally grateful. Maybe they’re more polite or it may be that they are arrogant and cannot pass up any chance to call attention to the fact that they are driving a Porsche.

Ford F-150 drivers: This is a strange one because, while my field research has not found Ford F-150 drivers to be the most likely to give you “the wave,” when they do give you the wave it is a very big, effusive gesture. It’s like “THANK YOU PARDNER! Y’all come back now!” When they do not give you the “thank you wave” its absence is just as glaring. It’s extremely galling.

So, there you have it. Who are the politest drivers? Convertible drivers (the most polite), smokers, Tesla, Porsche and F-150 drivers. Sadly, no universities are conducting similar vital research, so it is not possible to create an incisive peer-reviewed academic paper that uses words like torque and drift and phrases like power-to-weight ratio that examines whether Toyota Camry drivers are more likely to wave than Honda Civic drivers.

Thank you for considering my findings. I suggest you do your own research. It makes going nowhere more interesting.