Kara Marcinkoski and her boyfriend dated for six years. Together the two moved from Edmonton to Toronto. Young and in love they rented a room in a west end house, sharing the space with five other people. Marcinkoski and her boyfriend both wanted to work in tech. On the side he hosted concerts and worked as a DJ. They dreamed of a future.
A year and a half after moving to the city, the couple broke up. Despite wanting to move on, neither could afford to move out.
“When you live with this person you were deeply in love with, it’s kind of hard to have boundaries,” Marcinkoski, 32, said. “We slept head to toe in the same bed. We were so broke and it was so messy.”
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It was five months before Marcinkoski saved enough to get a new place. While the split had been amicable, the tension of sharing a living space post-breakup caused a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings.
Still, with high rental prices and other expenses, continuing to live together seemed like the best option.
Obviously, the emotional component of splitting up is hard. But the economic component can be just as – if not more – difficult. As the Royal Bank of Canada noted in a recent report, singles spend 66 per cent more on rent on a per person basis than couples. Over all, singles spend an additional $6,704 a year on household costs, which includes housing, food and other consumer spending, than couples. Counsellor and psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Shainbart encounters the effect of finances in his practice.
“A lot of couples just stay together, or stay together longer than they would have, because it’s so hard to find and afford your own place. Or they end up moving in together sooner than they would optimally,” said Shainbart, who is based in Toronto.
In an ideal situation, no one would share more time with an ex than necessary. But a practical approach to co-habitation once a couple part ways may be necessary. Here, Shainbart and individuals who found themselves unexpectedly uncoupled share their best advice on how to make the most of a difficult time.
Have a (realistic) timeline and idea of costs
Living together after breaking up is hard. More so if you don’t know when that situation will end.
Some people are faced with ultimatums from their partners: Get out immediately. You have a week to find a new space. Those situations can cause a lot of additional hurt and resentment. It can even leave people in unsafe spaces. But allowing things to drag on for an indefinite amount of time can also be a pain.
“I have found the more common problem is that couples stay under the same roof for too long,” said Shainbart. “It’s important to move out as soon as you can, even if you are afraid.”
It’s also important to be realistic about upfront costs involved in moving too, such as movers and new furniture. Creating a budget – even a rough estimate of potential expenses – can give you an idea of how much you’re going to need to move on.
The psychiatrist noted that some couples use financial excuses to continue living together, carrying on patterns they knew weren’t working, to avoid loneliness and fear of the unknown. But refusing to rip the proverbial Band-Aid even after breaking up doesn’t offer the freedom of next steps.
Finding that sweet spot will be different for every couple. What is the rental market like? What are the logistics of ending or transferring a lease? Do you need weeks to get things together? Months? Making and agreeing to a timeline alleviates a lot of mental stress while also forcing people to stop dragging their feet.
Make sure you’re both committed to the breakup
If both sides aren’t sure about a romantic split, continuing to live together can be an attempt to prolong the relationship. That isn’t a healthy position to be in for the person who wants to leave.
For interior designer Kelly Lauren Smith – who lived with her ex for a year after breaking up – it’s the number one thing to consider when co-habiting (or thinking about co-habiting) with an ex.
“My biggest piece of advice would be don’t do it unless both parties are 100 per cent committed to the breakup,” says Smith, 40, who lives in Dartmouth. “If it’s an uneven split or one person may hold on to hope that rekindling may be a possibility then it will be a disastrous place to have to lay your head every night.”
If you’re the one who wants to leave, it’s best to have a plan on how that can happen or you risk getting caught in limbo, sucked back into something you don’t want.
Try and treat each other with respect
It’s not always easy to be nice to the person you just split with. At times it might seem impossible. Still, keeping things civil is key to living together after breaking up.
When Tristan McCallum’s relationship of eight years ended, he lived with his ex for several months. Tensions ran high in the house as he also dealt with a bout of depression. Looking back, McCallum, who lives in Victoria, wishes he’d been able to treat his ex with more care.
“The person you’re living with, you loved them at one point. Remember that. Feelings come and feelings go. Freaking out, screaming and shouting, picking fights … none of that stuff matters,” says McCallum, 42. “Does it feel good at the moment? Probably not. Does it do anything constructive? Doubtful.”
Remaining courteous benefits both parties.
“You don’t need to be best friends, you don’t even need to be friends, but if you can make it work so it isn’t a living nightmare, it’s worth it.”