People are spending real money to move on from relationships. Breakup apps and coaches, heartbreak yoga classes and revenge-body diets are all part of a larger self-help economy.
It’s big business, with the wellness market in Canada worth upward of US$2.4-billion, according to a report by Grand View Research.
But with so many different options out there, how do you determine what’s useful? Here, experts share their tips on what they believe can actually help heal a broken heart.
Broke and broken up: How to live with your partner after you break up
To get over your ex, get away
Since 2017, Amy Chan has led the Renew Breakup Bootcamp. The four day itinerary, typically costing between US$3,295 and US$3,995 (that’s early-bird pricing), sees participants gather at a luxury estate – previous locations have included upstate New York and Sonoma, Calif. – for intensive sessions with therapists, sexperts, executive coaches and more. There are more than 500 people on the wait-list, according to the Vancouver-based founder. For Chan, the appeal is simple. It’s an investment to address a need.
“Heartbreak is inside. People can’t really see it. They’re like, how are you not over it yet? And those words – when you already feel so much shame because you can’t get rid of the pain – can cut really, really deep. … The bootcamp is a type of support you need for this type of healing.”
The former advice columnist built the bootcamp out of personal experience. After going through a dramatic split, she spent months self-healing. Reiki. Meditation. Yoga retreats. Therapy. The holistic approach took time and patience. Her hope with the bootcamps is to jump-start the healing of heartbreak by packaging the most helpful aspects together.
“My intention is to help people look at their own patterns and beliefs. I want them to realize the old wounds that need to be addressed. If we do not heal the past, we keep repeating the same emotional experience over and over again.”
Feeling stuck in your head? Try getting in your body
Talk therapy can be an extremely beneficial tool when trying to get over a breakup. But it can also be useful to address how your body is processing blocks, anxiety and depression. Somatic therapy – treatment that focuses on physical sensations – looks at how emotions manifest in our physiques. It gives people practical tools to relieve tensions rather than something such as cognitive behavioural therapy, which seeks to address root issues and helps people cope with uncomfortable situations.
Somatic therapy can feel out there for people unfamiliar with the concept, but studies have shown that it can be impactful in the treatment of PTSD. It can also play a role in helping someone going through an intense breakup.
“When it comes to heartbreak, it’s not something that you can move through solely by thinking. It’s not a cognitive process. It’s actually a grief process, and that needs to be moved through physiologically,” says Allison Cordner, a Vancouver-based therapist. That’s where somatic therapy comes in.
Somatic therapy covers a wide variety of practices, including breath work, visualization, self-massage, grounding techniques, stretching and even dance. Cordner notes that talking about your issues is important, a person needs to feel witnessed, but if you feel like you’ve been repeating the same problems again and again, somatic therapy is worth looking into as part of an integrated approach.
“People tend to think when they haven’t done a lot of therapy that we live out emotions in our head but it’s actually physiological. It’s going on in our nervous system, in our bodies. The more we’re able to feel in our body, where we feel that heartbreak and rage, the more we’re able to move through the grief process and get back to normal.”
Remember to be kind to yourself
Like the old song goes, breaking up is hard to do. Navigating the process can be painful. You need to be kind to yourself while moving through it. Lane Moore, a musician and author of How to Be Alone and You Will Find Your People, wrote her books out of frustration with the bootstrap mentality surrounding a lot of self-care and wellness content, especially books that make huge promises.
“I’m suspicious of a lot of self-help. So much of it can be harmful, oversimplified or lacking empathy for yourself and others. So it’s very important to me to create work that lets people know they’re not just being lazy, it’s not their fault and to help them feel less alone.”
Breakups can be a time for self-reflection, a chance to really consider what we need, what patterns haven’t been serving us and how we’d like to operate as individuals. But that consideration needs to be rooted in empathy and self-compassion, says Moore.
Take a look at the credentials
You’ll find hundreds of different solutions for self-help and tips to get over a split on the net. But what is your breakup AI chatbot trained on? Who is writing the platitudes for your divorce app? Is your breakup coach a certified professional? It’s not that people can’t find value in these things, but when you’re feeling vulnerable it’s easy to skip the small print. The wrong solution can cost you money and more mental stress.
“Trained professionals can offer tailored and tried-and-true treatment plans when it comes to navigating self-help,” said Toronto-based therapist Lindsey Cepek.
“From an ethics and standards aspect, registered psychotherapists in Ontario are members of a regulated body, so unlike coaches or influencers, we follow strict legal and confidentiality guidelines. An important aspect of being a part of a regulated board means that therapists are required to ensure their competence through standardized testing and continuing education.”
Whether it’s a book, a specialist, a content creator or an app talking about the best ways to get over a breakup, consider where they’re drawing from. That’s doubly true if you’re going to purchase something from them.